Maybe I'm Crazy

Remember the Titanic

2006-11-26T23:35:00.000-05:00

TNT is showing Titanic this weekend. I haven't seen it in a few yearsbut I remember how good it actually was when it came out even though everyone was saying how Jim Cameron was making the worst film ever. Surprisingly, the film is standing up to time. But I still don't like Celine Dion!

Observations from Thanksgiving

2006-11-25T19:07:00.000-05:00

1. Mom and Dad celebrated their 50 year wedding anniversary last year on November 26. This Thanksgiving, Mom complete forgot that this Sunday is their 51st wedding anniversary. Apparently, 50 years is enough and it's all downhill from there.

2. Thanksgiving dinner is no longer the scarf fest it used to be with one sister who lost over 70 lbs., another sister who had gastric by-pass surgery earlier this year and Mom watching what she is eating and losing weight and me starting to watch what I'm eating. It's just not the same.

3. The end of a Scrabble game is not the best time to get the Z tile.

4. Dad REALLY does not want to take a walk but we finally got him to walk to the corner, and not the one only one house away!

Happy Holidays to everyone!!

Things I like about me!

2006-11-20T21:19:00.000-05:00

I will now list ten things I like about myself:

1. I have almost perfect eyebrows. Other people pay big bucks to have their eyebrows shaped, I just pluck the strays and white eyelashes.

2. I'm smart. Really, I am.

3. I actually get along with my family.

4. I have a good paying job.

5. I have my health, screw the depression.

6. My car starts when I turn the key

7. There's a roof over my head.

8. I can sing on key.
(okay, I'm slowing down here)
9. I like to help other people.

10. I have a great smile.

Ta-Da!!

The Sun Came Out!

2006-11-16T21:31:00.000-05:00

For a few minutes anyway. The weather has been overcast and then raining for the past week. BUT the sun made an appearance for a couple of hours this afternoon. Then the rain came back. Boo.

Not to worry OSU-Michigan fans, it's just suppose to overcast on Saturday. I won't care because I'll be dry and drunk in a sportsbar.

GO BUCKS!!!!

Here's a Funny Post

2006-11-16T14:22:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of writing downer posts, so here's a funny story:

Once upon a time there was a cat. His name was Tuck. Tuck was a very lazy cat. Tuck had a toy mouse to play with. Tuck would lay on his side and bat at the toy mouse until it was out of reach, then Tuck would roll over and watch TV.

Tuck's human got him one of those ferret-on-a-ball toys for him to play with. Tuck watched the ferret roll around, looked up at his human with pure derision and jumped up on the sofa to take a nap.

One day Tuck's human came home from work and stood at his empty food dish while talking on the phone.

Tuck sat down at his empty food dish and meowed loudly to tell his human that his food dish was empty, but his human kept talking on the phone.

Tuck tried walking between his empty food dish and the cabinet his food was stored in to show his human where to go to get food to put into his empty food dish, but his human kept talking on the phone.

Then Tuck gave his human a dirty look and ran into the living room. Tuck's human knew he wasn't giving up and looked around the corner to see what he was doing. Just then Tuck came back to the kitchen with his toy mouse in his mouth which he dropped into his empty food dish.

Tuck got a lotta food put into his dish right then and there.

The morale of the story, cats will always win in a battle of wills.

2006-11-14T13:53:00.000-05:00

My therapist wants me to keep a diary of my feelings when I eat (remember, I'm really overweight). After just not doing it for the past month when I got the original assignment, I have resolved to be more responsible in becoming emotionally and physically healthier and will write something down after every meal. I promise not to post every one of them, but after writing this one down, I thought it would make a good post to share with anyone who comes by here to let you see the "real me."

----------

Lunch: I wasn’t famished when I left to eat lunch at 12:10, but I was hungry. I ended up walking over to the re-opened Capital City Diner in the mall where I got a small grilled chicken breast salad for $2.95. My original plan was to come back to the office but I met up with P and she and I both ate our lunches at the Diner. It felt to me like our conversation was a little jilted, but we were both carried our part of the conversation.

Feelings: Well, I didn’t warm up the soup like I told B (does that make what I told him a lie – yeah) but I did have a healthy, inexpensive salad for lunch. Again, I didn’t feel particularly connected to P during lunch. I did make an effort and didn’t spin some sort of lie and tell her that I had other plans for lunch when I didn’t just in an effort to avoid her or anyone else (I wasn’t avoid just P).

Overall I’m feeling, well, not happy. I’m not particularly sad, I’m not angry, just blah. Of course the cool, overcast weather isn’t helping at all. Again, how am I going to make it through the entire winter when it hasn’t even started yet? [Read that last line with a panicked feeling]. There, that’s an emotion – I’m panicked that I’ll be sad, dark, morose, depressed, stuck in the bottom of a hole until next summer.

Does this really explain my feelings? Am I really trying to figure them out or is this just a bunch of words put down on paper (or computer screen). I am catching tendrils of emotions and then trying to pull them out into the open.

Another Performance

2006-11-02T17:50:00.000-05:00

I'm stuck at work right now because I need to be at the theater at 6:30 for a 7:30 performance. This time around I'm a stagehand for "The Last Night of Ballyhoo." I don't know who at the theater company WANTED to do Ballyhoo and I don't know where the director came up with her casting, but the two together make for a VERY boring play. Both mothers of the college-age daughters are both in their 60's (and play it that old) along with the brother/brother-in-law. Luckily I don't have too much to do but it does get boring backstage. Oh how I want to be in front of the lights!

I'm going to take a notebook with me tonight and see if I can write down some stuff for this blog. Of course the theater doesn't have internet or wireless, so I won't even both taking my laptop.

I'm want to get more creative in my blogging - maybe by the end of the month I'll find a voice.

Ta Da!

Is there a way out of depression?

2006-11-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

One day late for NABLAPOMO. Figures. Oh well, I'll do two today.

I attended a presentation at work a couple of weeks ago about dealing with stress that was put on by the company's EAP provider. One of her slides listed all the components of a major depression order. Even though I'm on medication and am in counseling (group & individual), every one of those issues is RIGHT THERE just waiting to pounce and knock me on my ass. This isn't coming out well, but I was was saddened by the presentation because it just confirmed what I've been thinking about for a few weeks - I'm still depressed, just covering it up better.

Example No. 1, I was late to work today for no better reason than I didn't want to get out of bed and get around. Just procastinated. It's been pointed out to me that this is passive/aggressive behavior. Maybe it is, but I've buried my true feelings so deep for so long that I can't even give you a reason why I'm passive/aggressive about work. I'll just have to keep delving into this conundrum to figure it out.

Almost 1 in 300,000,000

2006-10-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

I like my name and I'm glad there are are so few of me out there - makes me feel special.

HowManyOfMe.com

There are:
3
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

Getting A Life

2006-10-02T04:43:00.000-05:00

I'm going to use this blog to answer some questions posited in Shut Up, Stop Whinning and Get and Life:

1. What would I like to accomplish before I die? I want a relationship with a man. Not just a sexual one - a real relationship where there's an exchange of ideas, compassion and some good sex without having to feel that I'm just a stand-in for what/who he really wants.

2. What do I want to own that I currently do not own. A house.

3. What kind of car do I really want to drive? One that doesn't break down, has air conditioning, automatic shift and probably a 4-door.

4. What kind of house do I want to live in? A house with character; arch doorways, hardwood floors, a small yard, garage, a basement that is dry and doesn't smell musty. A house with light coming in and a kitchen that has light and is easy to work in.

5. At which stores do I really want to shop? A store that I can afford and has merchandise that I can wear/use. I want to be able to buy clothes in the "regular sizes" though. That's the kind of store I want to shop - a store with normal regular ladies sizes - not the "women's" sizes set in the back corner.

6. What kind of clothes would I like to wear? Fashionable classics. In regular sizes!

7. What kind of jewelry would I like to wear? Understated jewelry. I don't find the flashy jewelry very complimentary or appeasing.

8. Which restaurants do I want to go to? I like the kind where I get my money's worth, which is why I'm fat!

9. Where would I like to travel? Warm and bright places. I'm also a sucker for good museums. But then I want to have somebody with me who appreciates what we're seeing and isn't just going "uh-huh", "that's nice" just to rubberstamp what I'm saying.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-10-01T18:50:00.000-05:00

It's official. I'm old. Yep, I'm 50. You should realize that I don't feel 50. I don't look 50 (really). And I certainly don't act 50. I was able to pass my birthday with friends both from group and work. I got a bunch of people together at a sports bar to watch Ohio State win another game. That's the first time I've watched a football game at a sports bar. It was enjoyable to cheer on our unbeaten team along with others.

Overall, life has been pretty good for the last couple of weeks. I've accomplished a lot of what I've wanted to in cleaning up my credit report and my efforts to get financing to buy a house. I was getting very frustrated dealing with one credit collection company/law office. After dealing with the unprofessional staff in his office in trying to pay off my bill three separate times, I finally just went ahead and paid the original creditor the original amount, saving myself over $700. So there Mr. O'Brien, if you had professional staff you would have made some money.

In the yearly birthday look back/plan forward, I've decided to finish buying a house, keep paying my bills and lose weight. I've been reading Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life by Larry Winget. He and my counselor should get together. But after 10 years of counseling, I'm finally in a position to hear it and now it's time to act. So here's what I'm going to do.

Make a budget and live within it.
eat less
move more

Three simple things -- let's see what happens...

2006-09-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that when I've gone to the grocery store I always bitch because I can walk out of the store with $25 of groceries in 10 bags. Is it a conspiracy by the supermarket chains (of which there are only three in Columbus (and no, I don't count Wal-Mart)) to make their customers think that they're getting sooooo many bags of groceries for the money? When I'm feeling particularly frisky, I try to instruct the high school baggers that they really can put more than one item in the bag and bread and potato chips in the same bag won't morph into some indescribable, indigestible mass of gross food product. Oh it feels so good to act so superior to those uneducated teenagers.

Today I went to Kohls to replace my walking shoes, get my fall purse and a couple pair of pants and dressier tops for work. After the cashier finished putting my (new) clothes and (new) purse in the bag, she then proceeded to stuff the (large) shoe box into the bag. I guess she saw my look of sarcastic incredulity because she offered to use two bags "if I want her to." I don't know, you've already scrunched everything into one bag after taking an exorbitant amount of time to take each piece of clothing off the hanger, hang the empty hanger on the proper rung, tell me how everything I chose was so pretty, and made sure that I really wanted size 10 shoes (no, I don't want size 10 shoes, but that's what fits me). Of course I told her (sarcastically) "no, that's okay."

You know, next time someone asks me what I'm good at, I can truthfully tell them that I have sarcasm down pat.

And no, I didn't sleep well last night....

There's just no satisfying me.

2006-09-07T21:12:00.000-05:00

A full nite's sleep

2006-09-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

I'm what the doctors perimenopausal. Simply (and crudely) put, menopausal is when the female reproductive system is all dried up. Perimenopausal is when the female reproductive system is drying up. Okay, I'm still not dried up but I've got all the other symptoms - hot flashes, insomnia and slow mood swings. I say slow because when I would get PMS I knew the DAY FROM HELL would only last 24 hours. Now the DAY FROM HELL can last over a week! Of course I have hot flashes throughout the day AND NIGHT. And before I know it, I CAN'T SLEEP. That's what has been happening to me for the last week and a half. So all through last week, through the holiday weekend I couldn't sleep more than 1 or 2 hours at a time. Medication wasn't helping. Keeping the fan directly on me while in bed didn't help (luckily I didn't catch a cold). It got so bad yesterday that I finally took (a little) more of my sleeping meds than what is prescribed. AND IT WORKED! 7-1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep! The result? I felt human and I think I actually treated my coworkers with civility and only cussed out one driver.

And whenever I complain to either my family doctor or OB/GYN (can I stop using OB now? It ain't going to happen), they express incredulity that I'm perimenopausal because I'm so young. Up to now I've held off starting any hormone therapy, but I'm ready to start now.

P.S. How can I get people to read my blog?

An Open Letter to Donald Rumsfeld

2006-08-29T19:01:00.000-05:00

This is response to Donald Rumsfeld's speech before a veterans group as reported on CNN.com:

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld:

How dare you portray me, as a critic of the Bush administration, “as suffering from ‘moral and intellectual confusion’ about what threatens” this nation’s security? Am I morally and intellectually confused for critizing the administration for starting a war in a country which had not attacked us and did not support the terrorists responsible for the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, throwing that nation with economic stability and way of life into terror, loss of vital human services and civil war where thousands have lost their lives? Am I morally and intellectually confused for regretting the actions of the administration that have brought terror to the citizens of Iraq by our confronting terrorists?

I assert that the administration is morally confused for lying to the Congress and American public about your reasons for attacking Iraq. I assert that the administration is morally and intellectually confused by destroying the basic rights given to Americans by its blantant refusal to govern by the dictates set forth in the United States Constitution.

I fear that the actions of the administration under the guise of confronting terrorism is what threatens the nation’s security. The rhetoric emitting from the administration of exclusion anyone “not American” (i.e., an Ameican citizen who doesn’t blindly believe and support the administration) and the administration’s need for a blanket power of authority can be compared to the rhetoric of Adolph Hitler during his rise of power in the 1930’s. You and the administration apparently learned that lesson of history.

I am an American. I do not agree with the policies and performance of the Bush administration and I will continue to voice my criticisms as allowed by the United States Constitution.

Sincerely,

A moral and intelligent American

Because I Love Myself

2006-08-27T19:54:00.000-05:00

I'm writing a blog because I love myself. I want to say "yeah, right" but I want my life to be better, so I have to give this a try. Now I have to find something to write about.

I went to a cast party last night. I drank a lot of beer, but I don't think I made too much of a fool of myself. In fact, I don't think I made a fool of myself at all. And it must not have been too much beer because I didn't wake up with a headache or anything. Oh well, I had a good time, even though everyone else there was under 30 and I didn't feel too old. Well, not too much.

So I finished running the sound board for the play and actually helped strike the set. It was a good play and I think most of the audiences liked it. The actors did a good job and my friend Dave did a SUPER job with the lights, video and sound. Now I need to audition and get cast to perform in plays again. I definitely like being in front of the audience more than being behind the scenes.

In the deeper, more me department - I really don't know what profound things to write about. I did open up to a couple of people from the Laramie cast about my latest bout of depression when I met them Friday for dinner and a show (Pippin). I really didn't get a sense of how they received it. But who knows, maybe I'll be hearing from them later. I hope they heard.

And while I've been connecting with acting friends, I haven't heard from but one sister in the last 2-3 weeks. It's amazing, if I don't reach out to them, it's like I'm not alive to them. And if I call them it's a "what do you want", "what's wrong", etc. Nothing like "Hi, thanks for calling me, how's your life going. Here's what I'm doing." Okay, that's a rant and I realize that nothing will change, but this is MY blog and I can write what I want to, because I love myself!

P.S. How am I going to get others in the blogosphere to read my blog?

Now I forget

2006-08-21T20:49:00.000-05:00

Earlier this evening I had some great ideas for a post in my blog. Now that I'm in front of my computer, I've forgotten what I was going to say. I HATE it when that happens!

I think it was about how uncomfortable I am to speak up in front of other people or to put my opinion out in public because I'm afraid of my opinion either being ridiculed or ignored. That's one of the reasons for this blog. I'll put my opinions and thoughts out here and see what happens.

An example was tonight at the weekly group I attend. One person spoke up about a situation in the group that was bothering him. Not surprisingly, a lot of the other group members took exception to what was said. That one person then spent the rest of the meeting no participating and sulking in his corner. When he was asked by one of the facilitators at the end of the meeting how he felt, he responded that he was angry. It occurred to me just now that was the classic response I grew up with. If I said something that wasn't what my parents agreed with or made them angry, they just sulked and acted like I had hurt THEIR feelings. Especially for my Mom, it was always about her and my job was to take care of HER emotionally. Me, I was on my own. No one wanted to take care of or even listen to me. I'm sure that's one of the big reasons I hesitant to expose my feelings, thoughts, opinions, etc. to others. I don't want to upset THEM. And that's just one way I've isolated myself from other people.

Yeah, THAT's crazy.

Oh, the house thing. Well, I have to wait at least one month before my credit scores rise high enough for someone to extend credit to me. I will just hope that no one else puts a contract on "MY" house before I can. If they do, at least I'll be a financial position to act when the next "best" house comes along. But in the meantime, I'll keep my fingers crossed and keep dreaming about "MY" house.

Oh yeah, I'm asking for trouble

2006-08-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

Realizing that my emotional stability is a little shaky right now - I'm in the beginning throes of purchasing my first house. Can I double my medication now? But I've held back from purchasing a house for lo these many years because I always felt that I had to do it perfectly - you know, the perfect credit rating, lots of money in the bank, 30% down, etc., etc., one of my ephanies on the way out of the latest depression black hole is that I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT PERFECTLY!!! My usual modus operandi is to freeze with inaction if I can't succeed the very first time I try. I don't have to be perfect to purchase a house. I don't have to be perfect to have friends. I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING PERFECT.

So the house is the perfect size, has everything I wanted (nice kitchen, garage, fireplace and a fenced yard) and is affordable. The only iffy thing is the neighborhood. I've never lived in that part of town and it does have a reputation that's not so stellar. If I could just take that house and move it to a neighborhood I know and am comfortable with - without having to pay more money.

Well, I'm sure I'll be ranting and raving about this home purchase in the next few weeks. And then the real reason I'm purchasing a house - I'M GOING TO GET A DOG!!!

Let Us Introduce You To The One and Only

2006-08-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

I'm Tuck (my pseudonym). Actually, Tuck was my cat once upon a time, but I'm not comfortable yet with putting my real name out there in cyberspace. I've been reading various blogs for the past 2-3 years and appreciate how bloggers can write down their thoughts, observations and still sound coherent, even when they don't think they are. Now I'm going to try.

The title of my blog? Simple, I suffer from depression. Usually it's under control. Until it rears its ugly head. I feel that I'm happier for longer periods of time. Then the black hole opens up. And it seems to be blacker and bigger and closer to swallowing me up everytime it happens. I'm not convinced that's normal. And that's why the title of my blog.

Well, obviously my depression is more important to me than I thought since that's the very first thing I bring up in my blog. Let's try some other identifying aspects of me and my personalty:

Female
Overweight
REAL close to 50
Sense of humor
Haven't dated in a LOOOOOONG time
No marriages, relationships with significant others OR kids
Gainfully employed AND
I like to act

I'm sure there's a lot more I can tell you about myself, but I can't put it into words yet. I'll just have to keep posting on this blog and see what I discover.

Hope you can join me on my trip....